Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
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95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake