[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
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[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Mad Max Arctic Road
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.