@Shen_the_Bird: doctor: i'm sorry [consoling my family] he's going to live
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@TwoSapphiresBlu: Daughter: Why don't kids at school get my sarcastic humor? Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
@tmckenna1: "Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope" is like the 7th Onion headline that's become real life in this election season
@eye_spyder: You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.