doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
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Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”