Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
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My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂