Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
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People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Life with a cat in one tweet
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.