@AndyRichter: Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. "Good Lord!" he says. "His burrito levels are off the charts!" - from my autopsy
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@doublewenis: My wife used to get so fat that she had to go to the hospital; then a person would fall out of her. That doesn't sound normal.
@michaelianblack: Fun fact: The hip word "chillax" is a combination of the slang term "chill" and the more traditional word "laxative."
@rickolantern: Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you'll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.