@AndyRichter: Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. "Good Lord!" he says. "His burrito levels are off the charts!" - from my autopsy
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@hazelmotes1: Pink Camouflage: for when you go pheasant hunting on the old cotton candy plantation.
@onlxn: Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn't one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
@Tmoney68: The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE. I can't follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
@egg_dog: [death row] Guard: Any last words? Me: [smugly] photosynthesis. Guard: … Me: it sounded longer in my head.