@AndyRichter: Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. "Good Lord!" he says. "His burrito levels are off the charts!" - from my autopsy
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@KingRainhead: friend: i want a bf me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
@joshgondelman: Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
@skitzoette: Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I'm not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
@shatty48: Now that I've removed my windshield wipers I shouldn't be getting anymore parking tickets.