@AndyRichter: Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. "Good Lord!" he says. "His burrito levels are off the charts!" - from my autopsy
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@Tommytoughstuff: [dinner party] *host clinks glass* "Everyone we're having a baby"! *whispers to other guest* "Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian."
@daemonic3: [at TED talk] OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor? *entire crowd stands* No a MEDICAL doctor *entire crowd sits*
@therealeatwood: ME: Um, I specifically requested Mary. BLOODY CARLA: Listen, do you want your eyes clawed out or not?
@pjux: "How do you speak such good English?" "I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?"