Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
You Might Also Like
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”