Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
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Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough