“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
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Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Life with a cat in one tweet
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.