Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
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This made me chuckle cuz mood
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.