doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
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co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
the short answer to this question
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Getting married soon just need a spouse