DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
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In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
How do dragons blow out candles?
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching