No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
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9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Worth a try
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*