When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
You Might Also Like
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.