Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
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Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Can’t. Being lazy.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.