My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
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Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom