Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
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I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Happy Taco Tuesday
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.