Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
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wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
see you in hell you stupid fruit
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
my lower back watching me try to live my life
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.