doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
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No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.