Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
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Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no