doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
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me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Check your privilege
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
This is Sparta
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
This is a true ally.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
how long have you had this for?
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW