doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
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me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s