Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
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Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me