Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
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If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
“I’m helping” 😅
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
a fate I wish upon no one
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest