DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
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Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.