Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
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[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Reporter: *ports again*
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.