[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
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I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein