DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
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I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
hmm conte-me mais
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not