“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
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God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Hello Twits.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
FRED: right
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
ugh not again
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”