“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
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I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?