Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
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As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.