Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
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I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I’m dying louder than usual today.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.