Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
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[loses house key, starts a new life]
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
monday
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?