Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
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Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )