Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
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Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
The old gods are rising again.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.