Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
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[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.