@LuvPug: Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I'll take it
@jaymahonei: my dad always makes fun of me for taking selfies all the time but if he didn't want such a beautiful child he should've kept it in his pants
@thegreatnanak: Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn't you?
Me: and we have a winner.
@Kyle_Lippert: If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
@inmynewskin: Teacher: you can be anything you want
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min...)
Me: Hi I'm Beyonce
@NicestHippo: Don't worry about choosing between a job you love & one that pays money because you won't be able to find either