Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
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Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
R.I.P.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve