Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
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If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.