Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
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When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.