Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
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I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”