Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
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My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!