DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
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My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
i love meeting boys on tinder
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.