Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
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Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.