i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
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Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.