Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
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Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Air conditioning – not a fan
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Rt to bother an English speaker
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM