I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
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Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.