Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
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Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023