Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
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Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I’m tired tomorrow.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.