Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
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Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
relationship goals
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.