Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
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There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.